Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
You Might Also Like
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
The little toadstool has spoken.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.