No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
You got this…