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My birthstone is a marshmallow
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
at ease…shoulder.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’