Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?