I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
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Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
sigh
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
gm
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.