*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
You Might Also Like
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
i love meeting boys on tinder
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.