Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
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‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
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Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed