Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
You Might Also Like
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed