I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
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Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I cannot stop laughing at this
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap