Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
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Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Meow
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan