Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
smartest karate player in the world
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.