Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
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People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Dietest Coke
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My life in a nutshell
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.