The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
You Might Also Like
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing