Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.
Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
When he finished eating 9 said “thank you for dinner but so you know I’d prefer my potatoes cooked for longer” so I said “you’re very welcome and so you know I’d prefer to have a 2-hour nap every afternoon”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
A woman drives into a bar.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok