it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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To the max.. 😂
Sound on
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.