My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
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“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?