As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
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12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.