employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
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Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.