COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
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tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.