This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right