i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
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9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂