WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.