93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
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Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it