Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?