5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.