Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
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OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Breaking news:
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting