“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
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her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
I get distracted pretty eas
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Stonehinge
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!