Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
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When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*