[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
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6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
need him
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh