My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
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ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Bit chilly again tonight.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
Lol
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep