At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
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Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’m awake but I object,
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie