1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Y’all know who you are.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers