I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot