Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
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Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I hate everything
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Yup.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori