a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
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Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation