I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
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[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.