do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
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[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.