Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
You Might Also Like
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.