1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
Have kids, they said
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.