The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.