Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
You Might Also Like
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”