Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
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FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Saturday
Best spot.. 😅
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that