“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
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I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
synchronized noseblowing
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.