If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
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“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
*me flirting
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*