An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
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I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him