Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.