bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
You Might Also Like
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.