him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.