It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
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Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
True.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
This is my bus stop.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015