Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
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Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Monday Lisa
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
peep davidson
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens